January 11, 2024
LILY Letter 144: How to Talk to Dating Partners About Your Past

Since the audience for this letter is primarily Latter-day Saint single adults, it is almost inevitable that some of you did things you are not proud of that contributed to a divorce. Such misdeeds could include an affair (either sexual or emotional or both), serious dishonesty with a former spouse, substance abuse issues, or the […]

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November 15, 2022
LILY Letter 84: Giving Grace to Your Former Spouse

One of the ways that we can know when we have forgiven someone is when we sincerely wish them well in our hearts. When good things happen to them, our hearts are happy for their success. Even if it might be something we want for ourselves, we hold that space and possibility open for our […]

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March 3, 2022
COULD DIVORCE BE PART OF GOD'S PLAN?

In our religion, we value marriage highly--more than anything except perhaps God Himself. We believe marriage is central to His plan of happiness. Accordingly, when a marriage fails, we often think we have failed at life. We have often heard talks in church about how the divorce rate reflects the failings of a wicked world. […]

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January 28, 2022
DOES YOUR FORMER SPOUSE HAVE TO FEEL BAD FOR YOU TO FEEL GOOD?

One of the most often repeated phrases people said to me as I was going through my divorce from my kids' mom was, "Some day she'll be sorry." Another one that I often got was, "The best revenge is living a happy life after your divorce." Is that really so? I have often heard people […]

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January 3, 2022
LILY Letter 91: Happy New Year!

Welcome to 2023! What are your plans? People often create New Year's resolutions this time of year, perhaps adopting a word to guide them in the coming year and striving to turn over a new leaf in some area of their life. It tends to be a fresh start, full of endless possibilities and desired […]

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December 22, 2021
OF DISAPPOINTMENT AND PAIN

Have you ever stood over the crib and watched your young child sleeping and felt overwhelming love wash over you, only to be replaced by the gripping fear, "What if something happens to him/her?" And that thought steals your happiness and peace in a moment that might be one of unadulterated joy. Brene Brown used […]

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November 10, 2021
TO FORGIVE IS ROYAL

In 1979, the Irish Republican Army ("IRA") placed explosives on a fishing boat owned by Louis the Earl of Mountbatten, and detonated them for the purpose of assassinating him. Mountbatten was killed in the violent explosion along with a number of his grandchildren. By way of background, Mountbatten was a towering figure in Great Britain. […]

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October 28, 2021
DEALING WITH THE COLLATERAL DAMAGE OF DIVORCE

As you may know by now, we are releasing our long-awaited book, "Intentional Courtship: a Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress, and Pairing up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints," on November 5th. Intentional Courtship contains a lot of counsel and information about coping with loss and recovery from pain and trauma through […]

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October 26, 2021
ARE YOU LOOKING FOR MR. OR MRS. OPPOSITE?

As many of you know, Cathy and I both had brief second marriages following lengthy first marriages. In one case, the prior marriage was to someone who stonewalled (simply shut down and refused to talk about anything difficult or stressful). This is one of the Gottman's "Four Horsemen of the Marriage Apocalypse." After that kind […]

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