April 25, 2023
LILY Letter 107: How Do You Handle Rejection?

From the first time in adolescence when we start expressing our interest in the opposite sex, we start down a road of dealing with romantic rejection -- sometimes for the rest of our lives! For many of us, it will be decades until we find a companion that we mutually choose for the long haul. […]

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March 7, 2023
LILY Letter 100: Helping Things Go Right in Relationships

Welcome to the 100th edition of our weekly LILY Letter! Thank-you for allowing us to lift your spirits each week. We love you! Do you remember how, early in a relationship, you and your partner had such positive feelings and so much hope? Whatever the other person asked you immediately said, "I'm glad to help!" […]

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June 6, 2022
IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE FOR ME?

This is a question asked by many who have reached their 30s or 40s without marrying. It is also asked by many who are divorced or widowed. For the divorced, they once believed the search was over, and they were glad to be done with the dating game. Some believed they had gotten really lucky […]

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December 10, 2021
ABOUT CONDESCENSION

A few days ago, I made a post about how it is important not to censor or shame our partners in public. Today, I came across this post in "The UnWed Community" (link below) where the author wrote about seeing a conversation in a supermarket over milk where the wife said to her husband, "no, […]

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October 26, 2021
ARE YOU LOOKING FOR MR. OR MRS. OPPOSITE?

As many of you know, Cathy and I both had brief second marriages following lengthy first marriages. In one case, the prior marriage was to someone who stonewalled (simply shut down and refused to talk about anything difficult or stressful). This is one of the Gottman's "Four Horsemen of the Marriage Apocalypse." After that kind […]

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October 13, 2021
"YOU MAKE ME FEEL . . ."

Do you ever make the mistake of attributing your feelings to someone else's words or behavior? Just to be really clear, your feelings exist inside of you. They are not transferred to you by another person. I do not mean to suggest that others have no effect on us. We are naturally social creatures and […]

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September 27, 2021
WHY DO PRE-MARITAL COACHING?

I am different because my former spouse "went off the deep end," "had an affair," or "laid around in his underwear all day looking at porn instead of working." "I picked a better person this time, so things will be fine." How many times have we heard this kind of thinking in the mid-single community? […]

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September 8, 2021
DO WE REALLY SEE OUR PARTNERS?

One of the most difficult things to accept when I got divorced was that someone I had lived with for 15 years, loved, shared a home and a bed with, taken vacations with, spent Christmases with, and raised children with didn't want me anymore. If someone could feel the way she did about me, knowing […]

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August 8, 2021
ABOUT CONTROL AND TRUST

I wrote this re-shared post (below) 9 years ago when I was struggling to recover from a divorce from my kids' mom. I encountered a lot of singles during my mid-single years who tended to be controlling in relationships and, alternatively, to keep relationships distant to avoid being controlled. At the end of the day, […]

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