LILY Letter 99: Life Design After Divorce

February 28, 2023

To recover from divorce, create a joyful life, and prepare to create healthy relationships, register for "Life Design After Divorce" 12-week course HERE:

President David O. McKay famously quoted J. E. McCulloch, for the proposition that "No other success can compensate for failure in the home" (Conference Report, Apr. 1935, 116). While I believe these words place an appropriate priority on family, many of us have taken these words to heart as we lived through divorces and felt like failure in marriage meant failure in life.

How should you feel if you prioritized family and still experienced a divorce? How should you feel if you failed to adequately prioritize family, but have experienced a change of heart and now regret your mistakes? I offer you the words of President Gordon B. Hinckley: "You have not failed until you have quit trying, and please remember that your example in your home will be a more persuasive sermon than will any other kind of preachment" (Live Up to Your Inheritance, Ensign, October 1983). In other words, you have not failed in the home until you stop trying to make things better. Sometimes you have to try another method. If your spouse is abusive or you have been abandoned, you may succeed in creating a peaceful home by getting your children out of the abusive environment and striving to create something special in a separate home that you establish.

We acknowledge the difficulty of establishing peace when you are dealing with a former spouse who is at war with you in his or her heart. Part of establishing a peaceful and positive home is to intentionally accept that you have no control over your former spouse or the environment he or she creates in his or her home. But you can be a positive visionary with regard to creating your life after divorce. Have you dreamed of taking classes, going back to college, going dancing with friends, following your alma mater's sports teams, acting in local theater, learning to speak Spanish, or any other dream you gave up to focus on your marriage?

If you are divorced at mid-life, you may be low on money, have single parent responsibilities, or face a transition point in your career. There are many reasons you might feel like you are "stuck." But you have something other middle-aged people lack -- freedom. You don't need anyone's permission to go back to school, start a new relationship, try out for a play, or sign up for a community education class. So be intentional. Plan the life you dream of, be creative, and make it happen.

You can also dream a new family into existence as you are intentional about how you approach parenting, dating, family atmosphere, and also blending families with a new love in an intentional way. You have not failed in the home. You have had some setbacks. But it is within your reach to assess past experiences, learn from your mistakes, be self-reflective, and live your life in a way that is intentionally calculated to fulfill your new dreams.

Our featured podcast episode is Living with Intention (excerpts from the class we offered at the BYU Life After Divorce Conference) and our featured video is Life Design After Divorce (about our 12-week course that will help you recover from divorce and reclaim your life!). We also feature our FIRST WEBINAR with an hour of FREE VALUABLE CONTENT on Life Design After Divorce FREE WEBINAR (the replay is now available on LILY Tube!). Our Short of the week is Who’s In Charge of Your Brain? & Designing a Life You Love After Divorce. Convenient links to all of these free new resources are available below. Have a wonderful week!


LILY Pod Episode 109: Living with Intention (38min)

LILY Tube Video: Life Design After Divorce (8min)

LILY Tube Video: Life Design After Divorce FREE WEBINAR (80min)

LILY Tube Short: Who’s In Charge of Your Brain? (1min)

LILY Tube Short: Designing a Life You Love After Divorce (1min)

Interested in our “Life Design After Divorce” 12-week Course? To receive access to the entire course and join us for the next 5 LIVE workshops and coaching sessions, REGISTER HERE:

Interested in seeing what LILY Coaching can do for you? Simply email to set up a FREE consultation with Jeff or Cathy. We have private and group coaching options. We look forward to working with you personally!

Get a copy of "Intentional Courtship" on Amazon to heal from relationship loss and create more real love in your life HERE: Intentional Courtship

If you enjoy this letter, forward to a friend. Our goal is to support as many mid-singles and later-married couples as possible!

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