LILY Letter 61: Maturing Past Need-Based Relationships

June 7, 2022

None of us has the choice to stop breathing or stop eating food. Sooner or later, stopping those activities would kill us. Both of those things are needs. If you need something, you cannot choose it because there is no other reasonable choice.

In relationships, many of us want to be needed so our partners will have no choice in their acceptance of us. However, we also want to be chosen. We feel more closely connected to and more loved by those who choose us than by those who are stuck with us because they need us.

When we are in desperate need of a relationship because we don't know how to be alone, the reason we are not ready to date and create new relationships is because we can't intentionally choose them. When we're happy and generally healed from past relationship losses, we are ready to date, because we no longer need relationships to make us happy.

While a relationship is not, strictly speaking, a need like breathing or food, we can come to believe that we need it for basic happiness, financial security, or other services a relationship might provide. There are numerous problems with this way of thinking. First, if you need it you can't choose it. Second, a need-based relationship is not joyful. Your needs translate into your partner's chores. They overload the relationship and become burdensome. Third, needy people tend to attract each other based on the needs each person is trying to fulfill through a relationship. In this scenario, you end up feeling like your partner is a burden to you and that you are a burden to your partner. This is not healthy or sustainable.

If you are preparing to date after a relationship loss, it's a good idea to get your life together, take time to be more healed, and have your own needs pretty well met before you begin dating seriously. Be intentional about healing and becoming whole again. It doesn’t need to take forever, especially if you reach out for help and support from wise people who can guide you through it. Being more healed and independent will allow your new partner to augment your happiness instead of being responsible to create it for you--which is really impossible for someone else anyway.

Keep in mind that being codependent overloads your relationship and that helping someone who is under-functioning and needy encourages dependence and can actually do harm. This week’s podcast is When Helping is Hurting (as requested) and it pairs well with our previous video on Overcoming Codependent Relationships. Our newest video on The Dating Paradox explores the important topic of knowing when you are ready to date again after a significant relationship loss. Our Short for this week is a quick overview of what we offer on LILY Tube. We are getting close to 1000 subscribers, which will allow us to continue serving you with free resources. Please be sure to SuBsCriBe to LILY Tube — you can help us get there. We love and appreciate you!


LILY Pod Episode 73: When Helping is Hurting (48min)

LILY Tube Video: The Dating Paradox (16min)

LILY Tube Video: Overcoming Codependent Relationships (12min)

LILY Tube Short: LILY Tube Trailer (1min)

To get a copy of our Amazon best-seller "Intentional Courtship" and create more love in your life in 2022, visit Intentional Courtship.

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