October 29, 2021
We discuss this sentiment at some length in "Intentional Courtship," which we will be releasing on November 5th.

I have seen various comments of this kind on social media probably hundreds of times since I became a mid-single about 13 years ago. The comment usually comes from men.

Before I answer the question, I want to point out that no one owes you a chance. No one owes you anything-- not because you lack value, but because each individual has agency. The decision of who to pursue a relationship with is a uniquely personal choice.

Think about the one woman you know who drives you completely up the wall. Maybe she is a good person, but something about her feels like nails on a chalkboard to you. Imagine that your Bishop called you into his office and demanded, on penalty of your church membership, that you start dating her. What feelings would you have about that? He might ask you, "Why won't you give her a chance?" The reasons are really irrelevant. The fact is, you simply don't want to. You don't need to justify it to anyone right? "Why won't anyone give me a chance?" is making a moral judgment about the personal choices of other people. It is suggesting that they have a duty to give you a chance even if they don't want to. Seems kind of entitled doesn't it?

I am very grateful that Cathy gave me a chance. That was much sweeter to me because she chose me, rather than feeling like she was fulfilling a moral obligation or felt shamed into dating me. So, before you make a comment like "Why won't anyone give me a chance?" I want you to think long and hard about the fact that no one owes you one. No one owed me one either. Thus, anyone who honored me with her time was giving me a gift.

Now, to answer the question. "Why won't anyone give me a chance?" That question sends a message to the world that you think you are a loser. It sends a message that you feel poor and picked on. Is that the message you want to give to someone you really would like to date? In many cases, asking a question like "Why won't anyone give me a chance?" reflects a general lack of self-confidence and a belief that you don't feel like you are good enough for anyone.

Suppose you saw a woman post (and I have seen many variations of this), "Where are all the real men? Why won't men do their priesthood duty and take the initiative to ask women out and marry them and support them financially?" How attractive is that statement to you? We all know it's not attractive. It rubs you the wrong way. It is full of pessimism and negative energy. There is a hint of man hating in the question. There is certainly a sense of entitlement in it. The question is kind of a "poor little me" statement. It also indicates that no one is asking this person out, and it kind of makes you wonder what the reason might be. (I could give you a pretty good guess.)

Friends, if you radiate pessimism and negativity about dating, you are not going to be any good at it. You won't be able to attract the kind of person you really want to get to know if you show up in the world as an entitled victim. If you build a relationship on mutually being down on the world and listening to each other complain about how unfair your lives have been, plan on having a lot to complain about as you move forward into the future together.

If you are a person who has said things like "Why doesn't anyone give me a chance?" the reason is generally because you attract what you are. Most people you would want to date are not drawn to negativity and darkness.

So what can you do? Focus intentionally on becoming a more positive person. Sit down and literally make a list of things you can do to become more positive and hopeful. Figure out how to find your mojo--your life energy. Find things in your life, or things you can bring into your life, to feel enthusiastic about. Start living your life in a place of more hope. Read great books. Find movies you like. Get a date or a friend and go to the Utah Symphony on a Friday night. Go to a college football game and enjoy some pizza or a hot dog and cheer for your team. Get a gym membership and actually use it. Organize some friends to go Christmas caroling and meet up afterwards for some hot chocolate. Figure out what floats your boat and float it more often.

I could go on and on about things you could do to create more good feelings within yourself. But you need to think of them. Open yourself up to new possibilities and new dreams. Friends, this is not a dating strategy. It is about becoming a happier and more confident person. But doing so will also make you more attractive in the realm of dating.

We get nothing in life by complaining. Once in awhile, perhaps, we need to vent to a good friend about things that are frustrating us in life. But, overall, your general happiness is the product of your thoughts and stories--and you control which thoughts you let go and which you hang on to. You can decide to intentionally become a happier person.

There is a subtle belief among many that "I will be happy when I am married." Think instead, "I will get married when I am happy " A good marriage is composed of two happy people--and two happy people rarely get together and have a lousy time. The key to a happy marriage is happy people. Try to become one. It's a better way to live.

Love in Later Years © 2021
Privacy Policy